I remember when I first read a little orange book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz I felt amazed by the simple but powerful truth of the 4 core principles he wrote about. Truly, if all of us could agree to live by these 4 simple principles we would indeed experience greater peace in our bodies, minds and relationships. I’ve also realized over the years it is very easy to forget these principles so it can be helpful to come back to these four things again and again.
#1 Be impeccable with your word
Realize the power of your words. Think carefully before you speak and only say what you really intend to say. Choose your words with great care. Be cautious not to use your words to gossip or hurt others simply because you are feeling angry or frustrated. Allow your words to come from love and compassion for yourself and others.
#2 Don’t take ANYTHING personally!
This can be a tricky one because when someone attacks us it can feel very personal. Ruiz explains, however, that when others do or say things that are hurtful toward you it has everything to do with where they are, what they are feeling and what they need and nothing to do with you in actuality. Sometimes there can be a bit of truth buried in the hurtful criticism or attack that is information we can accept and receive to help us grow, expand and evolve but we must release the rest and not let it soak in.
#3 Never assume
Don’t make assumptions as to what others are thinking or feeling. This often gets you into a whole lot of trouble because before you know it you’ve jumped to conclusions and created a whole story that is not at all reality. Ruiz teaches that we must make inquiry. If someone says or does something and we are not certain what they meant, we should respectfully ask for clarity. Express what you want and need and ask others what they want and need. This principle can save so much heartache and conflict.
#4 Always do your best
What is your best? Your best shifts and moves and changes moment to moment depending on your health, your intentions, your energy level, your stress levels. Your best does not mean perfection. In every given moment simply do the best you can and accept your best in each moment.
Now, it’s your turn… Share in the comments below which of these agreements is most challenging or how which of these agreements you will commit to cultivating and practicing this week!
Don’t take anything personally is definitely the hardest for me! But it’s gotten easier with time and I truly believe Ruiz’s perspective on this. Thanks for these 4 reminders. They are so important.
You have an excellent point! It does require regular practice. We can catch ourselves when we are taking things personally and gently redirect our thoughts to this tenet, remembering people’s behavior is a result of the space they are in, the filter through which they look not because of us. I do think we still have to acknowledge our part and piece when there is a conflict – personal responsibility still in place but we could go easier on ourselves.
I always got confused about the not making assumptions Lynn, because I believe in assuming good things…until I realized he was talking about not assuming you know what makes someone tick, or behave in the way they do. Thanks for reminding me about the four agreements. 🙂
My understanding is that he urges us not to assume we know what others are thinking of feeling about us also. In terms of relationships, for example, if a wife assumes her spouse is irritated with her because she didn’t return his call quickly enough and becomes defensive only to find out that he was feeling tired after a difficult meeting at work… If the wife notices her husband feeling irritated the alternative would be to inquire lovingly, “Is everything alright? I notice you don’t seem yourself. Is it something I’ve done or something else?”
What a great post Lynn. I have a friend that says, “Don’t try to get in other people’s heads and assume what they’re thinking.” This was a great reminder. Thank you.
It is so true, isn’t it? We all do it and we make ourselves unhappy sometimes as a result when it’s unnecessary!